There is something curiously peaceful about Beverly Hills, phony as it is supposed to be, and maybe is if you buy into it. But after my most recent attempt to love New York, and failing, especially as far as the theatre I have always loved and yearned to be a part of, it is beyond a relief to be simply comfortable. Age cannot wither nor custom stale Southern California, especially with all its plastic surgeons.
So now begins my quest for the right apartment, something that sounds so trivial and maybe is. But being able to sleep at night does count, and being able to look out the window if you are lucky enough to wake up in the morning factors in, much less being able to walk comfortably to the Rite-Aid on Canon Drive where if you couldn't find the right apartment you could actually live. I confess to loving my pharmacist at the Duane Reade on Sixth Avenue, sharp, kindly, father-of-many-Frank, who actually seemed to care who you were over the counter. But except for him and the staff at the Hampshire House, darling doormen, Indefatigable Jeannie in the basement, and adorable Ava, five, down the hall with her lovely mom, human contact seemed below a minimum. I have never felt more alone in my life, except for The Angel Carleen, a direct representative of God, no matter how cynical you might have become.
Even the rooftop I thought I was lucky enough to be able to look out on and over at what used to be Marlon Brando's building on 57th Street, now obscured by the endless construction by what you would hope would be Arabs you could have contempt for, except they are Jews, is strung with ropes and ladders and barrels and workmen who show up when you're trying to do your yoga naked, on the little balcony it became suddenly too cold to stand on even for a breath of air that isn't that good anyway. If at least the theatre I so aspired to be a part of is uncomfortable was uplifting, or even really entertaining. Glenn Close was wonderful in her play, along with John Lithgow, but it was revived Edward Albee, and it would have been more fun to see her in a musical, so I could tender to my hope of finding someone unexpected to play Sylvia WHO? the musical based on my mother, the party crasher. I just didn't have the fortitude to make it to one more theatre where allegedly there was an enjoyable experience. I did like Jersey Boys, but that was a while ago, as was youth and the energy to put up with the
insensitivity. Both onstage and in the audience.
I see where I sound old and crabby only one of which I am, but that surfaces more clearly because I am SO relieved to be here. So lucky with all that is happening in the world, and in our poor country, politically,.. the prospect of yet another Bush, probably the one that Should Have Been instead of the moron, Jr., that I am able to take a real breath, even of fetid air. Thematically, it would seem that I am critical of the air everywhere, which I didn't have to be in Amsterdam, bathed as it was by ocean winds they built a city on the water just to show how clever they were and think the world a place they are still in charge of, where I truly loved Daniel and his bairn and a small cluster of friends all from other places, except for Peter who lost charge of his illegitimate children which most of the children there seem to be, because the courts are less than fair. Oh, it is a world that would confuse even the most judicious of beings, which I am still trying, lamely, to become one of.
Mostly I am grateful to be still alive, looking over at the distant mountains, having survived the plane trip where the moronic or maybe just spiteful man was sneezing into the air, or when reprimanded, his sleeve, --but we'll see how I am in 21 days.
Life, it seems to me, is simply something to celebrate daily if you are up to it, having been here so long I can't understand or negotiate all the new e-things, including why Tim Cook, the head of Apple had to come out, because who cares who those guys go to bed with?
All I would like to have in what is left of my life is a heated pool , some people I can really trust, and the right apartment. Love is something I was lucky enough to have at its most elusive and earnest: a man who cherished me no matter what, supported my dreams and made them his own, and didn't mind my being a woman. As a matter of fortunate fact, seemed to rejoice in it.